Spanx Pranks!

AKA The Great Underwear Debacle

We all know how important it is for the M.O.B. to look svelte and decked out for the big occasion. Since I was unsuccessful at my weight loss attempt (stress-eating will derail you in a heartbeat). I decided that the best alternative was a product called Spanx.

It would not be the first time I had donned what I refer to as “a squeezer” in an attempt to achieve a svelte look. But “foundations” have come a long way, even since my son was married only about 8 years ago. Spanx have many items to help women look thinner and smoother. There were two products that interested me, a one-piece with long thigh-covering legs and a super slimming slip, and after researching them online, I went out shopping. Dillard’s had both items, but neither in a size sufficient to cover my physique.

Then I went to Catherines’s. They had plenty of Spanx in my size, but had neither of the items I was interested in purchasing. Frustrated, I went back home, got on line, and ordered one of each in my size. That was on May 10th and I had them shipped with 3-day delivery.
 
Things got so busy with the wedding preparations that I forgot about the order for over a week. Then I realized it hadn’t arrived. On Wednesday before the wedding, I went on line and tracked the shipment. It had been picked up by FedEx on May 11 in Danville, VA.

It went to Indianapolis, then to Cleveland, then to Bedford (where it should have been placed on a truck for delivery). Unfortunately, it then went back to Indianapolis. It had been scanned in at Cleveland a second time on May 15, but there was nothing after that. I spent some time finding a phone number and called FedEx, registering my complaint and letting the poor man know, in no uncertain terms, that I had to have the package before 10 a.m. on Saturday morning.
 
“You have to understand,” I said. “This is the underwear I’m wearing under my dress for my daughter’s wedding. It should have been delivered last week.” The FedEx guy stammered and apologized. He took my number and said someone would call. A few hours later, I got the first of two calls from FedEx. They wanted more information, which really was all the information I had already given them. A couple hours later, I got a second call. No, they hadn’t found my underwear, yes they would keep looking and get back to me.
 
I began to check the front porch like a paranoid, waiting for the package to miraculously appear. Mom suggested that I go out and find some other undergarment to wear, but by that time we were down to the day before the wedding. I told her I had already spent 150 bucks on the missing underwear and I wasn’t going to spend another dime. I went back on line and checked the tracking. Nothing had changed. I called FedEx again and got a very non-sympathetic woman who said “Sorry, we can’t find it. Don’t know what else to tell you.”

I went to the computer again, this time getting a number and calling the Spanx Company. I got a very nice young man who listened to my underwear woes. “I ordered these items specifically for my daughter’s wedding. That will occur tomorrow and I am upset and panic stricken. I have called FedEx repeatedly and the package has not been found. Is it possible to ship me something in my size overnight?” He informed me that they could not get me what I needed before 10 a.m., and most likely it would not arrive before Monday. “So what you are telling me is that I have to go to my daughter’s wedding lumpy?”

He issued an immediate credit for the full price to my credit card.

I have religiously checked the front porch, I even continue to check FedEx tracking. FedEx never called me again.
 
I went to the wedding lumpy…what else can I say? The Spanx have still not arrived, and I can’t help but think I could have walked them from Virginia faster.